


A Case Of You

by fatins_toothbrush



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Mild Smut, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29437134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatins_toothbrush/pseuds/fatins_toothbrush
Summary: Toni has panic attacks.  Shelby longs to learn more.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 81
Kudos: 411





	1. Chapter 1

Shelby stirred from an uncomfortable sleep to the sound of whispers. She blinked hard, adjusting to the small amount of light around the camp from the fire. Turning her head to the side she saw the source of the whispers. Toni and Martha were sat up a good few feet away from her. They had their backs to the blonde girl, who lifted her head from a makeshift pillow to eavesdrop. 

‘Shhh, I’m here,’ Shelby overheard Martha saying. ‘Toni, I’m here. It’s okay, I’m here.’ 

Shelby could hear Toni’s panicked breaths. She watched as Toni’s shoulders rose and fell heavily as her body tried to keep up with her laboured breathing. 

‘You’re okay,’ she heard Martha whisper repeatedly. 

It was the third time Shelby had witnessed this night time routine of Toni’s. The first time was the second night on the island. Shelby had awoken to see the pair in an almost identical position, Martha’s arm draped round Toni’s small frame as she struggled to get her breathing in check. Shelby had been somewhat surprised, given what she’d seen of Toni’s character the first couple of days. She assumed the rush of panic was a manifestation of what they were all experiencing, and that the only difference was Martha and Toni had each other to hold through it. 

The second time had been on their ninth or tenth night on the island, Shelby couldn’t quite place which. By this point the days were starting to merge together. The situation was almost the same except this time Shelby noticed some of the things Toni and Martha were saying pointed to a different scenario than the fear of what would happen to them on the island. 

She’d overheard Toni saying that it wasn’t safe. A valid concern, Shelby had thought. It was Martha’s response that made Shelby’s face twist into a thoughtful frown. 

‘Nobody can hurt you here, Toni.’ 

It was a strange think to say, Shelby had thought. 

She thought about why Martha had said nobody as opposed to nothing, as though Toni’s fears were of a some _one_ and not a some _thing_. While the rest of the girls were worried about being mauled by a wild animal or starving to death, Martha made it clear that Toni’s panic was due to something else. Shelby also couldn’t help but notice how calm Martha was in these instances, like she was used to it, like this predated the island.

Tonight was night eighteen. It had been two days since Shelby had kissed Toni, ran away, got trashed and told her brunette she couldn’t wait to get home, back to who she really was. It was entirely clear to Shelby how little she knew who that was. All she thought about was Toni; the softness of her lips when she’d kissed her back, the shiver that she’d sent pulsating through Shelby’s body when her hand had slid down her back and over her rib cage. She’d dreamt of the way Toni’s fingers gently squeezed her side and had woken up with burning cheeks. 

Yet she had barely spoken to Toni. Avoided any eye contact and only responded with one-word answers when she asked her basic questions around camp. After a day of being given the cold shoulder, Toni had started to clench her jaw again when Shelby spoke in the group. While they weren’t at each other’s throats like they had been, this whole ‘pretending the other didn’t even really exist’ was driving Shelby to despair. Everything she had ever known told her to steer clear, yet everything she felt contradicted her beliefs. 

Shelby observed the situation unfold quietly from a distance, watching as Toni coached herself into breathing normally, noticing how expertly she talked herself down. Shelby wondered how many panic attacks you had to have before you learned to train yourself to calm down. She watched intently, knowing she shouldn’t be prying but unable to stop herself, her heart panging as she heard Toni sniffling, trying to hold back tears. As Martha caressed Toni’s back Shelby felt a physical pain in her side, helplessly longing to be the one to comfort her. 

After a few minutes, Toni seemed calmer, her breathing almost back to normal. Shelby eavesdropped as she heard Toni telling Martha to go back to sleep, assuring her she was okay. She watched as Martha settled back down to sleep, waiting for Toni to follow suit. Instead, Toni stayed sat up, rocking gently back and forth with her head tucked between her legs. Shelby waited, knowing she’d be wide awake until she knew Toni was sound asleep. 

Toni stood up, and Shelby closed her eyes tight, not wanting the girl she longed for to know she’d been watching. She heard a bit of rumbling, and assumed Toni was getting some water. She kept her eyes shut until there was no noise, opening them only when she was sure it was safe. She looked back at Toni and Martha’s sleeping area and saw Martha sleeping soundly, but Toni was gone. 

Shelby’s eyes darted around the camp, but she couldn’t see the brunette anywhere. Before she could tell herself it was a terrible idea, she quietly got up and went to search for Toni. She didn’t get too far from camp before she saw Toni sat with her legs outstretched, staring downwards and digging her hands into the sand. 

‘Hey,’ Shelby drawled, nearing to where Toni sat. 

Toni turned to look up at Shelby, acknowledging her with a look that was hard to read. Shelby figured that since she hadn’t been told to fuck off, it was safe to sit down. 

‘How long have you been up?’ Toni finally asked groggily, her hands running through the dark sand almost obsessively. 

‘A while,’ Shelby replied softly. 

Toni shifted uncomfortably in return, recognising that Shelby had seen her so vulnerable. 

‘That shit had nothing to do with you, just so you know.’ 

Toni’s words came out a little more harshly than she had indented, though she wasn’t overly concerned about Shelby’s feelings in this moment. She already felt like shit and didn’t need for this to be the time Shelby decided to try and make peace. She knew how the script would go. Shelby would say sorry for ignoring her, but the underlying message would be the same, that Shelby regretted their kiss, that she was just another of Shelby’s mistakes. 

‘I know,’ Shelby replied gently. 

‘it’s just this fucking place,’ Toni said, shifting herself to tuck her legs into her body.

Shelby just sat. Looking helplessly at the girl she’d avoided almost entirely since telling her she knew exactly who she was. The lump of guilt forming in her throat only made it clearer that she didn’t have a fucking clue. 

‘Why are you here, Shelby?’ Toni asked, her body language cold. 

‘I, I don’t know,’ Shelby stuttered. ‘I wanted to check you were okay.’ 

‘Well, I’m not. And no offence Shelby but your presence here isn’t exactly taking the edge off.’ Toni finally turned to look at the blonde as she spoke. ‘So, if you’re here to make yourself feel better, or apologise for the past couple days, trust me you don’t ha-’

‘I’m not here for me, Toni,’ Shelby cut her off. 

Toni turned back away, her hands back playing in the sand before whispering under her breath, ‘Bullshit.’ 

Shelby took the cue. She bit her lip hard in an attempt to stop her eyes filling with tears and went to push herself up from the area of sand she occupied. As she pulled her hand away from its position near Toni’s hip, something stopped her. She looked down to see Toni’s hand wrapped round her wrist, gripping it desperately. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Toni said, her bottom lip quivering. ‘I know you’re dealing with some big shit, Shelby. I’m sorry, I-’

‘Hey,’ whispered Shelby. ‘Hey, don’t you do that. You have nothing to be sorry for.’ 

Shelby sat back down, closer than before, and wrapped both her arms around Toni’s shoulders, who in turn leaned into the blonde’s chest. Toni was alarmed at how comfortable it felt to be held by the girl she’d been feuding with since the day they met. She was even more alarmed when Shelby kissed the side of her head, and how quickly Shelby’s fingers stroking her bare arms made her panic subside.

They stayed like this for a few minutes. Shelby thought about kissing Toni again, her entire body and mind had wanted nothing else since that day in the woods, no matter how hard she tried to push it aside or bury it deep within her. She refrained though; the timing was off. Toni only needed Shelby as a friend right now, and, as she sensed the change in Toni’s breathing as she fell asleep tucked into her, Shelby realised she would be whatever Toni wanted her to be. 

\----

Shelby woke Toni gently, understanding that no matter how much she may have wanted to, she couldn’t fall asleep too and be found by one of the girls like this with Toni. She led an almost sleepwalking Toni back to her spot next to Martha as quietly as possible. 

Toni lay back down and looked back at Shelby as she fell asleep again. She pursed her lips tightly and blinked slowly. Shelby curled her lips into a smile, acknowledging her thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like the first chapter of this was kinda rushed and a bit poorly written. hopefully this one is better and more of an indication of where the fic is headed. i tagged 'mild smut' because i haven't written anything explicitly sexual but still wanted to address sexual content?? but please let me know in the comments if you think i need to add specific tags. new to fanfiction in general :)

Shelby Goodkind had pictured how she might lose her virginity more than most girls her age. In part because a lot of them had already done it, but mostly because of everything she’d ever been taught. It had taken seventeen years for Shelby to grant herself the knowledge that her body was hers to own. 

For her entire life, parts of her body had been owned by others, bought and sold on a warped market of sexuality and religion. Her body belonged partly to the pageants she participated in, a piece for each pair of eyes that judged her so intently. A part belonged to Andrew, who took as much as he could at every opportunity, hungry for more as he worked his cold hands up her shirt until she awkwardly shoved them away. Above all, it belonged to her God and her own father, her body possessed by them with a force that scrutinized everything she did and every word she spoke. 

It was something she hadn’t realized before this moment, how many parts of herself had been taken away by others, unknowingly and unwillingly. This was different, she could recognize as Toni lowered her body tenderly, brushing away the sharper twigs from underneath her. This was giving, not taking. It was an offering of her unedited self that she’d never wanted to expose before now. 

Yes, Shelby Goodkind had pictured how she might lose her virginity many times, but none of her daydreams went quite like this. She’d always tried to picture herself with Andrew, tried to convince herself that she was holding out for God and not because her body seized up anxiously whenever he tried to move his hands up her body. She’d seen enough sex in the movies and on the internet to know how she was supposed to feel when her boyfriend kissed her. She’d wondered if there was something missing in her, if she’d ever meet someone that she wanted to touch in the way Andrew longed to touch her. 

It was clear, as Toni’s lips lightly danced along her chin, down to her neck and back to her mouth, that whatever had been missing in Shelby had now been found. 

Everything about Toni was so different to Shelby’s previous, very limited experiences. Toni’s kisses were less tonguey, more mature - as though they composed their own narrative, starting softly, then growing firmer for a few seconds. She would pull back, making Shelby’s mouth chase hers, then spark a rise of intensity in their kiss that made Shelby involuntarily dig her nails into the back of the brunette’s neck. 

Toni’s touch was also unlike anything Shelby had felt. She was more subtle in her movements, applying varying degrees of pressure to different parts of Shelby’s body. It was enchanting, Shelby thought, almost supernatural, how capably Toni’s hands worked her body. Each touch elevated Shelby’s sensitivity, making it almost impossible for her to focus on both her breathing and where to put her own hands. As the back of Toni’s hands gently skimmed places on her body that nobody else had ever been privy to, Shelby knew. This is what people talked about; this was how it was supposed to feel. 

It was awkward in parts. There were moments of uncertainty, Shelby felt her hands were too clumsy as they felt Toni’s body, too aware of her inexperience at points. Yet these moments never lasted long. It was as though their bodies had become one for the moment, like Toni could sense any hint of insecurity, quashing it each time with a tighter squeeze, a harder kiss, or a lustful, open mouthed smile. 

Every time they changed the position of their bodies, or their hands roamed new areas, Toni would study Shelby’s face with piercing eyes that let her know she had full control of the situation, that it was okay for Shelby to set the pace, or stop entirely if she wanted. In response, Shelby gave herself to Toni entirely, participating with pure, unadulterated enthusiasm. 

Every brush of skin against skin, every kiss and every feel of uncharted territory reassured Shelby. The contentment of their bodies pressed together as they explored each became too much too quickly. She bit her lip hard, so grateful that she had never given into peer pressure back home, so blessed that Toni was the first person to see her like this. The only one to hear voice cracking and her breath hitch as she let go, a thousand tiny explosions ripping through her body. 

Almost the second it was over, Shelby thought she was going to cry. It was overwhelming, the feeling of getting the thing you have wanted more than anything. Here, lying on the ground, sweaty and breathless, she had never felt more beautiful. 

Toni kissed her almost too softly, her fingertips pressing against the small of her back. Shelby felt a million miles away from anyone or anything else. Toni pushed the blonde’s hair away, making a space against Shelby’s neck for her to burrow her head into. Shelby noticed how soft Toni’s breath was against her, how warm it was, how warm Toni was in general. 

Shelby thought more about the moment they’d shared a few nights ago after Toni’s panic attack. She thought about the way Toni had stopped her from leaving, held onto her tightly. There was such an overwhelming softness in Toni that Shelby was discovering, such a gentle nature about her that had only been evidenced further by the way she had just made love. Shelby’s mind flitted between the Toni that was snuggled against her right now, and the Toni that she’d watched smash the shelter only a couple of weeks ago. Shelby thought about how there was such an intense anger in her, like she was never more than one move away from detonating. She realized how little she still knew about Toni, and how much she wanted to know it all. Why she acted the way she did at times, what kept her awake at night. Shelby thought about the look on Toni’s face when Martha was ill, the strain in her voice when she’d said she didn’t matter. Shelby wanted to know who or what had made her believe that. 

More than anything Shelby realized she would do anything to be Toni’s person. She worried about the both of them. She didn’t know who needed saving more. 

As Toni fell asleep against her Shelby let herself cry softly. There was no going back. 

It was freedom.

It was fear. 

It was falling in love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: references to childhood trauma/abuse

It had been two days since Shelby had last kissed Toni. If she thought life of the island was rough before, this was another challenge entirely. Being in the company of someone you’re desperate to touch twenty-four hours a day, while having to pretend you barely even like each other, was agonizing. Fatin had tried her best to try and get them some time together. She’d intentionally pick one of them to come and help her with a task in the woods, giving the other an opportunity to volunteer to come and help, but each time someone else would insist on tagging along for a change of scenery. 

It was exhausting, trying and failing to create intimate moments together. They would have short periods of times where they’d be able to talk privately, with the other girls just out of earshot, but there’d been no clear-cut opportunities to steal a touch or a kiss. Shelby couldn’t sleep properly. Instead, she’d watch in envy as Martha snuggled up to Toni, desperately wishing she could wake her up and drag her into the woods for some privacy. 

It was too risky, though. Toni had been beyond clear in the chats they’d had, Martha couldn’t know yet. Shelby was happy either way, but she was trying hard to work her way back into Martha’s good books. The once close-knit friendship they’d formed was unravelling. Shelby’s homophobic outburst had clearly fractured the friendship big time, but she felt that Martha had been even more blunt with her since the day the three of them were in the woods. 

Shelby had formed new habits to let Toni know how desperate she was. Every time an opportunity presented itself, she did everything she could to draw attention to her body when she knew she was in Toni’s line of sight. When one of the other girls started speaking around the campfire, she’d sit up straight and stretch excessively, running her hands sensually down her neck as though she was trying to loosen a knot in it until she could see the muscle in Toni’s jaw moving. She’d also been channelling her inner Cher Horowitz, doing everything in her capability to draw attention to her mouth. If she wasn’t biting her bottom lip, she was running her thumb slowly along it, or smacking her lips together as if she’d just applied lip-gloss. She was sure at times that she could hear Toni sighing from across the fire. 

Shelby was pretty sure Toni’s constant action of facing the sun, leaning back on her elbows and tapping her knees together as the sunlight varnished her glowing skin was no accident either, nor were her persistent hand actions. They both knew exactly what they were doing to get the other riled up. 

While Shelby was overcome with desire by pretty much anything Toni did at this point, she had also noticed some more alarming habits. Every so often, Toni would drift in and out of the group. Shelby would look at her when someone made a joke and often noticed that she wasn’t paying any attention at all. There were times when she appeared so far gone that Shelby was certain a family of bears could come charging out of the woods and Toni wouldn’t even notice, she’d just sit there with her eyes glazed over, trapped in whatever was going on in her head. 

Her behaviour was no different this afternoon, Shelby noticed. While most of the group were playing Uno, Toni was back to scratching around in the sand with a broken stick, her mind a million miles away. 

‘You in for the next game, Toni?’ Rachel asked, shuffling the deck of cards in her hands. ‘Hey, Shalifoe!’ She repeated loudly when she got no response. 

‘Toni?’ Leah took over as the person closest to her, pushing her arm gently when she didn’t respond again. 

Toni flinched hard at the touch that brought her back to her surroundings. 

‘Uno…’ Leah said, eyeing her cautiously. ‘You playing?’ 

‘Oh… No, I’m good.’ Toni mumbled, sounding like she’d just woken up. 

‘Jesus Toni, you find some more of those gummies?’ Rachel joked, picking up on her slow speech.

Toni forced out a laugh and said, ‘Nah. I’m just tired… I might go lie down or something.’ She got up quickly, heading away from the group. 

Shelby sat next to Rachel awkwardly, desperate to go after her but not knowing whether it was her place. 

‘You think she’s okay?’ Leah asked. ‘Should I go-’

‘Shelby lost the last game,’ Fatin chimed in eagerly, passing Shelby the water bottle Toni had left behind. ‘She can go take this to her.’ 

Shelby took the bottle from Fatin, glad that Martha was down by the water, giving her the opportunity to be the one who was there when Toni needed someone. 

\----------

‘Thought you might want this,’ Shelby said softly, handing the water bottle to Toni and sitting cross legged in front of her. 

‘Thanks,’ Toni replied sincerely. ‘I’m fine, by the way. Honestly I’m just tired.’ 

Shelby narrowed her eyes, searching her mind for the right words. ‘You know, that might be more believable to someone who hasn’t been watching you out the corner of her eye twenty-four seven.’ Shelby placed her hands on Toni’s knees as she spoke, urging her to look up at her. ‘I see you… drifting off… going somewhere else, in your head.’ 

‘Shelby, I’m fine,’ Toni said in a voice so convincing that anyone other than Shelby might have fallen for it. ‘I’m just tired, and hungry, like we all are.’ 

‘And in the night?’ Shelby’s question caused Toni’s head to drop again. ‘That wasn’t the first time I saw you like that Toni,’ she continued, referring to the other night when she’d held her. ‘I’ve seen Martha… telling you tha-’

She was cut off by Toni smacking her mouth against hers, shutting down the conversation abruptly as she cupped Shelby’s face in her hands. 

‘I need you, tonight,’ Toni finally said, pulling away from their kiss and making sure whatever conversation Shelby was attempting to have was over. ‘I found a spot, behind the waterfall, really secluded. I’ll get Fatin to cover, just be there.’ Her speech was erratic and Shelby could sense her desperation, she just wasn’t sure if it was desperation for them to be together, or desperation for Shelby not to ask about what she was thinking again.

\----------

True to her word and thankful for Fatin’s acceptance to stand guard, Shelby made her way through the woods and up the trail behind the waterfall. Toni’s directions ended there, and she found herself looking around awkwardly until she was startled by hands on her waist and a breath on the back of her neck. 

Shelby didn’t need to look round, knowing Toni by her hands and the softness of her mouth planting kisses from the nape of her neck to the top of her shoulders. She let herself be guided, allowing Toni’s hands to twist her hips, pointing her to walk a few metres left, off the path. 

Soon, they were under a shelter of tall trees. _It was certainly secluded_ Shelby thought as Toni finally pulled at her hips, turning her around so that they were facing each other. Within seconds they were undressing, their hands groping at each other frantically as if they’d been waiting to do this for years. 

Shelby was pretty sure Toni’s plan was to do this whole thing without a word, and while it was a huge turn on, Shelby couldn’t help herself feeling the need to speak. 

‘Toni, wait,’ she said through heavy breaths, stopping Toni just before she removed her bra. 

Toni looked at her with a mixed expression of desire and concern. 

‘What is it?’ Toni asked, pulling back a little bit in case Shelby wanted space. 

Shelby pulled her back into her body, giving her the green light and letting her know this was still happening. 

‘I just want you to know…’ She planted kisses along Toni’s cheeks as she spoke, ‘I’m here for you. If you need… like… emotionally.’ 

As soon as she spoke a part of her wished she hadn’t; the last thing she wanted to do was ruin the moment. She couldn’t help it though, she needed Toni to hear it. 

‘I’m just saying you’ve got me,’ Shelby continued, moving her mouth to Toni’s neck to try and savour the moment, ‘In any way you need.’ 

‘Thank you,’ Toni said, looking at her intensely before kissing her hard. She guided Shelby against a tree, her hands strong against the small of her back. ‘I just need you this way, though, for now.’ 

\---------- 

It was the dead of night when Shelby was pulled out of her sleep by a tug on the sleeve of her jumper. She turned round groggily, and found Toni lying next to her. It was dark, but the fire illuminated the camp enough for Shelby to make out Toni’s face. She looked scared, like a child who had lost their parent at a large store. 

‘I can’t keep waking Marty up,’ Shelby heard, the fear in Toni’s voice palpable. ‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for,’ Shelby assured, gently putting her arm around Toni’s side. She could feel her heart beating now that she was closer, and could sense that she was on the verge of a panic attack. ‘I’ve got you, Toni. You’re safe,’ she said, copying what she’d heard Martha say on the nights she’d watched from across camp. 

‘I… I can’t make it stop,’ Toni said shakily, burrowing as deep as she could into Shelby’s chest. ‘I can’t make it stop.’ 

‘Toni, look at me,’ Shelby encouraged, desperate to prevent Toni’s condition escalating further. ‘Please, look at me,’ she repeated until Toni eventually looked at her. 

‘The door,’ Toni was saying, looking gravely at Shelby, her breathing becoming more unstable. ‘The door, it-it’s not locked, it’s not safe.’ 

Sensing that Toni was stuck deep in some sort of trauma she was reliving, she raised her voice, not thinking about potentially waking the others up. ‘Toni, you are safe. You are safe with me. Come back to me… Come back to me.’ She kissed Toni’s head as she spoke, willing her to calm down. 

She felt Toni push further into her, not wanting there to be any space between them. Shelby held her as tightly as she could, letting her cheek brush against Toni’s, feeling the wet of the brunette’s tears against her own face. She kept holding her tight whispering, ‘You’re safe,’ to Toni as her breathing steadied. 

They stayed like this for a few minutes, and then Shelby heard seven words that broke her heart. She was certain that Toni was almost fully asleep again as she spoke, and that she wouldn’t remember what she’d said in the state of confusion and tiredness she’d been in. But Shelby had heard, and although she didn’t know what, who or when, she knew enough to understand why Toni woke up in the night, and where her mind went when Shelby lost her. 

_‘I don’t want him to hurt me.’_


	4. Chapter 4

Shelby woke up to find Toni still asleep next to her. She tilted her head to face Toni who was lying on her side, facing away from her. Shelby draped an arm around her waist, urging Toni to shuffle sleepily in return, pressing her body back into Shelby’s and pulling the blonde’s arm tighter around her. As happily as Shelby would have been to stay wrapped up in Toni like this forever, the sun was starting to rise; it wouldn’t be long until the other girls started to wake up. 

‘Toni,’ she whispered softly, evoking a grumpy groan from Toni. ‘Babe, Martha will wake up soon.’ 

Toni twisted around to face Shelby. Shelby noticed that she was smiling, and properly, not like the attempts she’d been making the past few days. She was pleasantly surprised, considering what had brought Toni to her side in the night. 

‘Why are you smiling like that?’ Shelby drawled, laughing. It was a little eerie. Shelby had only seen Toni smile like that for Martha. 

‘Babe…’ Toni said, repeating what Shelby had called her, still smirking foolishly. ‘I like that.’ 

It was almost unbearably cute, and Shelby was pretty sure that nobody had ever loved anyone as much as she loved Toni in this moment. 

Shelby was thinking of something funny or clever to say in response, but her thoughts were broken by Toni’s mouth pressing against hers. Toni kissed her fiercely, forcing Shelby to moan into their kiss. As Shelby started to let her hands trail down Toni’s arm and begged the sun to stop rising so they’d have more time, Toni pulled away and got up to leave. 

‘I’ll see you later,’ Toni said as she left Shelby to catch her breath, making her way back to her makeshift bed by Martha. 

For the first time in a while, Shelby was confident that today was going to be a good day. 

\--

‘So… Leah knows there’s something going on with you and Toni,’ Fatin said casually as she joined Shelby for a morning hunt. 

‘What!?’ Shelby screeched. ‘How? Did you-’

‘I’m gonna stop you before you accuse me of that bullshit,’ Fatin interjected, raising her eyebrows and giving Shelby a stern look. 

‘Sorry, I know you wouldn’t,’ Shelby said, suddenly embarrassed. 

‘She said she heard you guys talking in the night. Well... she saw you talking, she thought Toni sounded upset. I mean, she obviously thought it was a pretty… suspicious interaction.’ Shelby didn’t respond, so Fatin continued. ‘She wouldn’t say anything, well, not to anyone other than me. I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I don’t think she bought it. Plus, I don’t like lying to Leah, she trusts me.’ 

‘Yeah, of course,’ Shelby finally said. She felt uneasy, Toni would be angry that someone else knew before Martha. 

‘I’ll leave it up to you to talk to Leah. But if she asks me again, I’m not going to lie to her.’

Shelby couldn’t ask Fatin to lie to Leah, not if they all wanted to keep Leah from going dark on them again. Fatin was the only girl on the island Leah fully trusted, and it was in everyone’s best interest to keep things that way.

‘Everything good… with Toni?’ Fatin asked, distracting Shelby from her mind running away. 

‘Yeah… Yeah she’s all good,’ Shelby lied. ‘Let’s go.’ 

\--

‘Fuck!’ was Toni’s first response when Shelby told her about Leah. It was mid-afternoon and they were in their secret spot behind the waterfall. 

‘She’s not going to say anything, Toni. She-’

‘You don’t know that!’ Toni interrupted. ‘Leah’s a complete fucking liability!’

‘She’s been better recently,’ Shelby said. It was true, Leah’s bizarre behaviour had seemed to have mellowed as her friendship with Fatin grew. 

‘Marty’s gonna be so pissed with me if she feels like the last to know.’

‘Would it really be the worst thing… if she did know?’ Shelby asked. She didn’t care who knew by this point, she wanted to be able to show Toni off and it had started to bothered her that Toni was so dead set against Martha knowing. 

‘It’s just… not the right time,’ Toni said, speaking more softly. 

‘Does she not like me or somethin’?’ Shelby asked, her southern drawl more pronounced than usual.

‘What?’ 

‘Does she not like me? Is that why you don’t want her to know? I mean, me and her were getting on better than anyone when we first got here, and now? She barely even speaks to me. Feel like she hates me these days.’ 

‘She doesn’t hate you, Shelby.’ Toni said, moving closer to the blonde who was now sitting on a rock looking increasingly frustrated. ‘Marty doesn’t hate anyone. She just loves me, and she thinks you’ve got a problem with a pretty big part of me… She hasn’t said anything to me about you, but I don’t think your background as a professional hunter has helped either.’ 

‘Fuck!’ Shelby exclaimed as she remembered their brief conversation in the woods that day. ‘I knew there was something! Can’t you like… tell her? That I’m not, y’know?’ 

‘A complete gun-toting homophobe?’ Toni offered, smirking. 

Shelby wasn’t laughing. 

‘It’s important to me, Toni,’ Shelby said dejectedly. ‘That Martha likes me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Toni said sincerely. ‘It’s just… I know Marty, like _really_ well. I just know the timing isn’t right, she’s been feeling rough since the goat thing. I’m just not ready for her to know what we were doing while she was slaughtering the poor thing.’ 

Shelby rolled her eyes, still sulking a little bit, though Toni was pretty sure she was now only doing it to get her affection. 

‘Babe, I’m sorry. Soon, I promise.’ Toni said, pulling Shelby up off the rock. 

‘Babe,’ Shelby repeated, letting Toni drag her up. ‘I like that.’ She smirked stupidly as she mimicked what Toni had said that morning. 

She had no reason to be annoyed. Toni had been more patient and understand with her than she could ever have asked for. If they had to keep things secret from the other girls for a little longer, so be it. Besides, thought Shelby, it was kind of fun it being a secret from most of the girls for a little longer. 

They were kissing now, and Shelby wondered if it was too soon to tell Toni she loved her. She refrained, too scared of her not saying it back. She decided instead to try and show her. 

Shelby waited until they were rolling around on the ground, both in their bras and shorts. Toni was kissing Shelby’s neck, running her nails gently along the small of her back. She started to move her hand towards the metal button on Shelby’s shorts when she was stopped. 

‘Wait,’ Shelby whispered, her head bowed back as Toni moved her mouth from Shelby’s neck to her shoulder blade. 

It took everything in her to stop Toni in that moment, but Shelby wanted to switch it up, show Toni how much she wanted her. With it only being the third time they’d been in this position together, Toni had naturally taken charge on the previous two occasions. Shelby felt that while she was pretty sure Toni enjoyed being touched by her, the main focus had always been on Shelby. Also, up until this point Shelby had only used her hands. She wanted that to change today. She was desperate to finally taste Toni. There were no reservations, no hints of nervousness, just a desire to make Toni feel as good as she made her feel. 

‘Let me,’ Shelby said, nudging Toni’s hand away from the opening of her shorts and moving her gently onto her back. 

Toni looked at her sharply, eyes wild with desire. She tilted her head backwards, letting out quiet moans and words of encouragement as Shelby worked her way down her body, her hands trailing softly down her stomach as her tongue circled her nipples. 

Shelby removed Toni’s shorts and let her hands roam her body everywhere except where Toni wanted her most. Toni was pushing her hips up, urging Shelby to give her more contact, but she never gave her more than a brush of a fingertip over her underwear every now and then. 

‘Shelby, please,’ Toni moaned frustratedly, her voice an octave higher than Shelby had ever heard it before. 

Shelby realized she was possibly enjoying this more than she enjoyed being touched herself. She couldn’t wait any longer, every part of her hungry for more of Toni. She planted kisses down every inch of Toni’s body, working her way from her mouth to the waistband of her underwear as slowly as she could bear to; each movement eliciting quiet whines from Toni and turning Shelby on more than she believed was possible. 

She moved her mouth to Toni’s thighs, still not addressing her underwear. It was getting too much for both of them, Toni was practically thrusting her hips into the air, longing for Shelby to touch her properly. 

Shelby started to trace Toni’s right thigh with her tongue, working her way inside and up until she was right at the top of her thigh, then she kissed her through her underwear.

Toni let out a loud moan of pure ecstasy. 

‘Fuck, you’re such a good girl,’ Shelby heard herself say, completely overtaken with passion. 

Shelby felt Toni’s body stiffen. In pleasure, she thought at first. Then after a couple of seconds she realized she had completely stopped responding to her touch. She backed up. Toni’s eyes were closed tight and she was as pale as her tanned skin would allow. Her knuckles were stark white as she gripped into the ground as hard as she could.

‘Toni?’ Shelby’s voice cracked as she moved off of Toni’s body.

Toni couldn’t hear her. She wasn’t there. She was back in that room. 

_’You’re such a good girl, Toni.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> massive trigger warnings for the next chapter as it will deal with some serious flashbacks


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings apply. check tags!

_‘You’re such a good girl, Toni.’_

_It was winter when it happened for the first time. It must have been winter because she was wearing long pyjamas. They were pink with white stripes. She hated pink. She should have hated the pyjamas but she didn’t. She liked them because they belonged to her. He had purchased them for her, ready for when she moved in. She had been happy when she opened them. They were hers and only hers; not like everything else she wore that was old or handed down. She had been happy when she opened them. She had been happy there._

\--

‘Toni!’ Shleby was almost shouting now, her voice fracturing with fear. 

\--

_She had been happy there._

_‘Where will I sleep?’ She’d asked after they’d given her a tour of the upstairs._

_She’d seen the boys’ bedrooms, the two bathrooms, the games room and their bedroom. She was more nervous than she’d been around any of her other foster parents. Their house was unlike anything she had ever seen. Like something out of a film or a showroom from the posh furniture store near school that she peered through the window into._

_They had smiled at each other so widely that it almost turned to laughter. She felt embarrassed. She had made a mistake. This was no place for her and they were going to send her away._

_Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver key. He handed it to her, smiling. She remembered thinking that his teeth were perfect and almost unnaturally white. His wife had smiled and then he pointed at a door she hadn’t yet noticed at the end of the hallway._

_She walked towards it._

_‘You’re such a good girl, Toni,’_

\--

Shelby didn’t know what to do. She was too scared to incite any more triggers by touching Toni but she knew that she needed to get her dressed. 

‘Toni! I’m here! Come back!’ Shelby urged desperately. 

Toni opened her eyes but it only made Shelby more scared. Whatever she was seeing in front of her was not Shelby. 

\--

_‘We can redecorate it however you like,’ he said as she stepped into the room._

_It was glorious and she couldn’t believe that it was for her. The first thing she noticed was the bookcase. She didn’t know that they could exist in children’s rooms. Then she looked at the bed with wide eyes. The bedframe was made from thick, dark, varnished wood and there were three pillows, two more than she’d ever slept with. Most of the walls were yellow but not a tacky yellow. The only wall that wasn’t yellow was the one to the side of the bed, instead it was black. She thought it was out of place, such a dark wall in a bright room. Then he had touched her shoulder and nodded towards the chalk box on top of the bookshelf. She had been happy there._

\--

Shelby was shaking her now. Gently at first, and then more desperately. Toni was looking right at her, except that she wasn’t. She was looking through her; shaking frantically but not making a single sound. Shelby started crying, feeling helpless as Toni travelled further away. 

\--

_She wrote her name in blue chalk in big capital letters. He took the chalk from her and drew a smiley face next to her name. His wife joined them, drawing four stars in purple chalk. She drew one on each side of where Toni had written her name, then one above it and one below it. Toni took the blue chalk back from him and drew a heart. She had been happy there._

\--

‘Toni! Toni focus on me!’ 

Shelby sat her up. She felt light. 

\--

_‘You’re such a good girl, Toni.’_

_He probably only said it once or twice. In her memory it was more. She couldn’t trust her memories though, they were always so fragmented, so vague that she wasn’t sure they were true._

\--

Shelby was shouting, shaking hard to drag her out. Toni wasn’t quiet anymore; her laboured breathing louder than it had ever been. 

\--

_This memory was real. Winter. Those pyjamas. Close enough to taste. The smell of fresh toothpaste. The strings of flesh joining them together. His hand wrapped around hers, moving it for her as she wrapped around him._

_She had been happy there._

_He stroked the top of her hair with his free hand. Then he was softly pushing her head closer to him, shifting his body an inch as he moved her downward._

_‘You’re such a good girl, Toni.’_

\--

‘Please, Toni! Toni it’s me. It’s Shelby and I’m here. Toni please.’ 

\--

_He was sighing. Satisfied._

_Then she was being pulled away._

\--

She saw the trees, the blonde hair. 

‘Shelby!’ Toni cried in a voice so full of fear it gave Shelby a physical pain. 

Toni could see her again now and Shelby could see how fucking terrified she was. 

Shelby tried to hold back her own tears, pronouncing every word clearly as she said, ‘I have got you, Toni. You are here with me.’ She shook her head and swallowed hard. ‘You’re here with me. Nowhere else. Nobody’s ever going to hurt you again, Toni. I will never let anyone hurt you, Toni.’ 

Toni collapsed into her, crying, saying, ‘I can’t do it anymore, Shelby.’ 

Shelby reached for her denim jacket that had been flung to the floor earlier and wrapped it around Toni’s shoulders. She knew that there was nothing she could say to take Toni’s pain away. She knew that no matter how hard she wished and prayed; she couldn’t save Toni from her trauma. It was bigger than her. It was bigger than them. All she could do was hold her and it felt like someone had taken a hammer to her chest. 

‘I know,’ was all Shelby could say. ‘I know.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was not easy to write but it was very cathartic. i really appreciate any feedback x


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw flashbacks

The shift in Toni was unnervingly quick. After only a minute or so of being held by Shelby, she sighed deeply, wiped the tears from her eyes and pulled away from her. 

‘This fucking island, man.’ Toni said casually, getting up to put her clothes back on.

Shelby knew Toni didn’t think she was stupid enough to continue buying into the ‘stress of the island’ narrative she was selling. Instead, Shelby knew it was her way of saying that she wasn’t going to discuss whatever had just happened. Shelby needed her to know that she could though. 

‘Toni, if you want to ta-’ 

‘We should get back,’ Toni interrupted, pulling her shorts back up over her thighs. ‘Before the others start talking.’ 

It was a dreadful excuse considering they’d barely been gone any time at all, but as she watched Toni’s hands tremble as she put her shoes on, Shelby knew better than to push anything. 

Toni was too embarrassed to stick around for a moment longer. She felt like Shelby had seen what she’d seen. She finished getting dressed and muttered something about seeing Shelby back at camp. Toni walked quickly, leaving Shelby to get herself dressed with the undeniable knowledge that the girl she had fallen in love with had been sexually abused at some point in her childhood. 

\--

_‘Are they still closed?’_

_‘Yes,’ she replied honestly._

_He was leading her by her shoulders out of the back door and into the yard. She was excited. His voice had a playful tone and that always meant they were about to do something fun together, or that she was going to be given something nice._

_‘Open,’ he whispered._

_She opened her eyes. She was stood in a familiar spot in the back yard, where they played basketball every day after school with the kid sized plastic hoop that had been there since his sons were young. Now, the plastic hoop was gone, replaced with a full size, professional one._

_‘Do you like it?’ he asked softly._

_She had nodded her head wildly with childlike enthusiasm. It was amazing, but it was big, and she was tiny._

_‘It’s really tall,’ she had said looking up at it excitedly._

_‘It adjusts,’ he said, getting down on his knees so he was eye level with her. ‘Anyway, you’ve got to start practicing properly now if you wanna play in the big leagues.’_

_With that he picked up the basketball that was lying on the ground nearby, scooped her up and put her on his shoulders so she could reach the hoop._

_She had been happy there._

\--

Toni flung herself next to Martha and let out a huge sigh. She tried to think of something normal to say, something to take her mind away from the incident with Shelby. 

‘Where’ve you been again?’ Martha asked, beating her to the first word.

‘Fruit hunt,’ Toni replied too quickly. 

‘With Shelby?’ 

‘I mean, I didn’t exactly invite her but-’

‘You find any?’

Toni sat back on her elbows and looked up at Martha. She was looking ahead strangely. 

‘Nah… Nothing,’ Toni said cautiously. 

‘Weird.’ Martha replied.

‘What’s weird?’ 

‘Just trying to think of a good reason for you taking your top off out there. Carrying fruit would have worked.’

Toni looked down to see her top was not only on the wrong way round, but also inside out. 

‘Martha… I-’

‘It’s fine, Toni,’ Martha said in a voice that told Toni it was absolutely not fine. ‘I just… Does anyone else know?’ 

Toni couldn’t lie, ‘Fatin,’ she said quietly. ‘And Leah. But I didn’t tell them, Marty, they just… I don’t know they figured it out.’ 

‘And I didn’t.’

Toni wasn’t used to Martha speaking to her so harshly. It was jarring. She also knew how much Martha _hated_ not being in on things. 

‘Martha. Please don’t be mad at me.’

‘I’m not mad at you, Toni.’ Martha said. ‘I’m concerned.’ 

Toni raised her eyebrows at her and Martha finally looked at her properly. 

‘I just think Shelby…’ 

‘I know your relationship with her has changed, Marty, but-’

‘This isn’t about me, Toni. It’s about you. I don’t want you to get hurt.’ Her voice softened as she spoke to her best friend. 

‘She’s not like that, Marty. She cares about me… I know she does.’ Toni said, trying to convince them both. 

By the end of their conversation, she wasn’t too sure. 

\--

_That night was the first time._

_He moved her hand onto his lap._

_She was getting upset, maybe she was crying. She said she didn’t want to; said she didn’t like doing it._

_It couldn’t have been the first time. She wouldn’t have said that if it was. Nothing made sense, like her brain couldn’t put the memories together properly, couldn’t order them._

_He looked upset and it made her feel upset._

_‘What do you think would have made me happier, Toni, buying you the basketball hoop, or buying myself something nice?’_

_‘Yourself,’ she conceded softly._

_‘Exactly. But instead, I used my money to buy something for you… Why do you think I did that?’_

_She didn’t know. Money was a grown-up thing._

_‘Because you’re nice?’_

_He laughed gently._

_‘Because I knew it would make you happy, Toni. And that’s what people do when they care very much about someone, they want to make that person happy... Even if it doesn’t always bring them happiness themselves.’_

_She tried to make sense of what he was saying. She didn’t really get it. She wondered why you would do something that was only fun for one person, instead of finding something else to do that was fun for everyone. That’s what her and Martha would do. Then she thought he was telling her that he didn’t like playing basketball with her, and she felt very sad._

_‘You care about me, don’t you?’_

_She did. She really did. She nodded her head._

_‘Then I need you to make me as happy as I make you.’_

_He waited until she understood._

_She nodded._

_‘Good girl, Toni.’_

_She never asked again._

_When he left, she would run to the bedroom door and lock it shut. It was silly, she knew it could be unlocked from the outside, knew he had a key. It helped though. It was the only way she could make herself feel safe. She would lock the door and run back to her bed. She would pull the covers over her head and wrap herself up as small as she could, small enough to disappear. She wouldn’t move until morning._

\--

Shelby was slow making it back to camp. She needed time. Time to cry, time to think. By the time she did return, Toni, Martha, Rachel and Nora were in the sea. She could hear Toni laughing loudly, overcompensating for the afternoon she’d had. 

She sat next to Dot, pretending to listen to whatever she was saying. In reality she was just watching Toni, observing intently as Toni frolicked in the water with Nora on her back. She looked genuinely happy, and it broke Shelby’s heart knowing how hard she was trying to pretend. Shelby was so worried that it made the bile in her stomach rise until she could taste the sick in her throat. She watched Toni and she thought of home. She thought of Becca, how she couldn’t save her, how she wasn’t there for her. It couldn’t happen again. Not here, not with Toni who she loved more than she could even begin to articulate. She watched Toni laugh in the sea and felt her own sanity slipping.


	7. Chapter 7

By the time Shelby settled down to try and sleep that night, it had been the worst day she’d had to on the island to date. It made the days following her Westboro moment, when none of the girls would even look at her, seem blissful. The day had started with such promise; with Toni in her arms, delighting at being called babe. Now, that moment seemed further away than her life in Texas.

Toni had spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between frolicking in the sea and talking to the person furthest away from wherever Shelby was at any given moment. She was avoiding her like the fucking plague. When everyone gathered to eat the fish Nora and Dot had caught that day, Toni didn’t look at her once. Shelby knew that she would be shaken up by what had happened between them in the woods, and at first she thought Toni was avoiding her out of embarrassment. As the evening went on, things felt different; Toni was making a concerted effort to engage in conversation with everyone except Shelby. She felt like Toni was being intentionally cruel. 

\--

‘Hey…’ Shelby drawled as she approached the shoreline where Toni stood, finally alone. 

‘Hey,’ Toni replied, but she didn’t even turn to look at Shelby. 

‘So…’ Shelby said slowly, but she didn’t know what she was planning on saying. Toni was making the situation as awkward as possibly. 

‘I think we should stop,’ Toni said quickly. ‘This… thing we’re doing. We should stop it, before someone gets hurt or whatever.’ 

The words hit Shelby like a brick, but what was worse was the casual tone in which they were delivered. _She’s just scared. She’s pushing you away because she’s scared,_ Shelby told herself.

‘Toni, what happened today… Nothing would ever make me think any less of-’

‘It’s nothing to do with that!’ Toni asserted. ‘I just think it’s time we started being realistic.’ 

‘Realistic?’ 

‘Yeah. Look… I get it Shelby, it’s cool. You needed your journey of self-discovery or whatever, and now-’

‘Don’t you do that,’ Shelby interrupted harshly, prompting Toni to finally look at her. ‘Whatever you’re doing right now, don’t put that on me, Toni… Don’t try and tell me what I want, because you clearly have no idea. I want _you,_ Toni.’ 

‘Shelby…’ Toni started, her tone a little softer. ‘You might think that now, but this island is just fucking with everyone. It’s like Marty said, everything is so intense here. Everyone’s emotions are all fucking over the place. Th-this isn’t real, time’s just… stood still right now, and once it isn’t… you’d…’ She paused to try and find the words. ‘Shelby if this was the real world, we’d never look twice at each other.’ 

It hurt. It really fucking hurt. It wasn’t true, either. Shelby knew that she had fallen in love with Toni Shalifoe. She had fallen in love with her for everything she was. She’d thought about almost nothing other than Toni from the moment they’d met. She’d noticed the scar on the very top of the bridge of her nose before the plane had even taken off and wondered how she’d gotten it for weeks. Her eyes always went to Toni first when somebody told a joke in camp, even when they ‘hated’ each other in the early days. Shelby might not have fully realized it herself until she had kissed her, but on reflection it was as clear as day. She’d wanted Toni from the moment she laid eyes on her. This was not an island thing. 

‘You don’t really think that,’ Shelby said.

‘I do.’ 

Shelby assured herself that there was no way this was an island thing for Toni either. No way. Not from the way she had been with her since their physical relationship began. Shelby knew she mattered to Toni. She just didn’t know how to get Toni to believe that _she_ mattered to her. 

‘Toni, I don’t want to be with you because we’re on a deserted island. I want to be with you because you’re _you.'_

Shelby noticed that Toni was looking at her like she was speaking a foreign language, and she realized that what she was saying was near impossible for Toni to understand let alone believe. She knew from looking at her in this moment, that Toni had no idea what actual care or love looked like. 

‘This isn’t about us, Toni, you know it isn’t… This is about you.’ Shelby spoke as calmly as possible, desperate to stop Toni from cutting her off before she could say what she needed her to hear. ‘It’s about you and how you don’t think you’re worth it. I saw that look in your eyes, Toni, when Martha was ill. You meant it. You meant it when you said you didn’t matter. I-I know you believe that. You were angry at me for saving you… And the panic attacks you’ve been having, along with what happened today when I-’

‘Shelby. Don’t.’ Toni punctuated harshly through a clenched jaw.

Shelby knew she’d fucked up the opportunity by mentioning the flashback Toni had.

‘I mean it, Shelby, about calling this off. And if you care about me, you’ll leave me alone.’ Toni’s voice was wavering, and Shelby could tell she was trying not to cry.

‘If you want to call things off with us that’s fine. But I am not going to let you go through whatever’s happening with you alone, Toni. I… I can’t.’

‘Why not?’ Toni asked, seemingly genuinely taken aback by Shelby’s refusal to give up on her straight away. Shelby figured that was all she was used to. 

‘Because I’m falling in love with you.’ 

Toni swallowed hard enough for Shelby to see the lump in her throat. 

‘I already have, actually. I-I’m in love with you, Toni.’ 

Toni shook her head slowly and said, ‘You’re not.’ 

‘Toni, I am so in love wi-’

‘You’re not,’ Toni cut her off sternly. ‘If you knew… You wouldn’t say that if you really knew me, Shelby.’

‘Try me,’ Shelby whispered, stroking Toni’s forearm.

Toni shook her head.

‘I can’t.’

‘Toni… if you just let me in a little-’

‘Shelby, I can’t!’ Toni raised her voice. ‘I can’t fucking tell you, Shelby. You… you’d never touch me again.’ 

‘That’s not true, Toni, I promise you. I-’

‘If you saw the real me… you would be disgusted.’ 

_Disgusted._ It was all too familiar for Shelby. _Becca._

She took Toni’s wrists tightly in her hands. 

‘Toni… I would never think that. Whatever happened to you-’

Toni pulled her wrists away sharply and put her own hands on Shelby’s arms. Shelby wasn’t sure if the glint in her eyes was fear or anger. 

‘Shelby, if you want to help me, leave me the fuck alone.’

She left. Shelby didn’t stop her. 

\--

Leah had been tossing and turning for a good hour when she heard movement in camp that night. She sat up and narrowed her eyes to see Toni walking away from the camp and heading into the woods. Leah rose and followed slowly, staying a small distance behind so that she wouldn’t be spotted. Toni was walking slowly yet purposefully, like she knew where she was headed. Leah was pretty sure she knew where that was too.

As Toni walked further into the woods, Leah heard her start talking. She couldn’t tell what she was saying, but she knew what the implications. She looked around for cameras as she continued to follow Toni.

‘You…’ Leah stammered as she drew closer. Of all the girls on the island, Toni was the only one other than Fatin that she had never suspected. ‘Not you…’ 

Toni didn’t react, she just carried on walking slowly. Leah wasn’t sure she’d actually spoken aloud, considering that maybe she was too shocked and only called after Toni in her head. 

‘Toni!’ 

She just kept walking deeper into the woods, and Leah kept following. Then, as Toni veered off the path and didn’t react to stumbling into a tree, Leah realized she wasn’t heading for a secret hideout; she was sleepwalking. 

‘Shit...’ Leah muttered as she realized what was going on and moved closer to Toni. 

She reached out her arms to take Toni’s hand before she trailed further from the path and into danger. It was dark, but Leah could just about make out that Toni’s eyes were open, staring through her as she turned her around to lead her back to camp. She felt Toni pull a little, trying to head back the way she had been walking. 

‘Hey… this way,’ Leah whispered, pulling her gently back towards the path. 

‘No. I… I need to lock the door, then everything will be fine again,’ Toni slurred to herself. 

‘Toni, you’re sleepwalking,’ Leah spoke softly but purposefully. ‘I’m taking you back to Martha, okay?’ 

‘Shelby?’ Toni muttered. 

‘No, it’s Leah. It’s okay, Toni, just come with me,’ Leah urged as she led Toni back towards camp. 

Toni let herself be led, but kept mumbling about locking the door. 

‘Just come with me, Toni. I’m taking you back to Martha.’ 

‘Shelby…’ Toni repeated. 

‘No… It’s Leah.’ 

‘Shelby… I’m sorry…’ Toni said, the sadness in her voice palpable. 

As they approached camp, Leah decided that maybe Martha wasn’t who Toni needed right now. She led her to where Shelby lay and gently nudged the sleeping blonde with her foot. She woke easily. 

‘Sorry… I- I found her in the woods,’ Leah whispered, standing over Shelby with her hands on Toni’s shoulders. 

Shelby stood up quickly, the image of Toni wandering in the woods at night alone enough to jar her into full alertness. 

‘She’s sleepwalking. She… she keeps talking about locking a door. I was going to take her back to Martha but I think she wants you… She keeps saying your name.’ 

Right on cue Toni confirmed Leah’s story as she whispered, ‘The door… Shelby.’ 

‘I’m here, Toni.’ Shelby said firmly, taking Toni in her arms. 

As Leah had, Shelby could see that Toni’s eyes were open but she wasn’t awake. It certainly wasn’t a flashback like the earlier episode. Toni’s eyes didn’t harbour that wild fear. 

‘Shelby?’ Toni voiced wearily.

‘Yes. It’s me. It’s Shelby. Close your eyes, Toni. It’s okay… Lie down and close your eyes.’ 

‘No! I need to lock the door.’ Toni tried to pull away again, but both Shelby and Leah kept her in place. 

‘I’ve locked it,’ Shelby said, not knowing what else _to_ say. ‘I’ve locked it, it’s okay. It’s locked, Toni… You’re safe now.’

It worked. After less than a minute of holding Toni against her and telling her the door was locked, she felt the smaller girl’s body go limp as she fell back into a deep sleep. With Leah’s assistance she carried her back to Martha, knowing that she couldn’t let Toni sleep with her, no matter how much as she wanted to. Toni wouldn’t remember sleepwalking, and she’d only panic waking up next to Shelby; especially considering the last thing she’d knowingly said to her was for Shelby to leave her alone. 

Shelby and Leah lowered Toni softly down onto her back next to Martha, who stirred awake from the disturbance. 

‘What’re you doing?’ Martha muttered groggily as she saw Shelby and Leah hovering over her and Toni, who she assumed had been asleep the whole time by her side. 

‘Sorry. We were trying not to wake you,’ Leah whispered. ‘I found Toni sleepwalking.’ 

Shelby could tell from Martha’s expression that this was new. Sleepwalking had not been in Toni’s repertoire of concerning habits until now - at least as far as Martha was aware, which Shelby was sure she would be. It only further confirmed Shelby’s knowledge that Toni was spiralling, and fast. 

Leah said her good night’s and left the three of them. Shelby got up to leave but she was stopped by Martha. 

‘Shelby, I’m sorry,’ Martha whispered. 

It wasn’t until then that Shelby remembered something Toni had said to her earlier that evening. It had been such an insignificant part of their conversation in the grand scheme of things that Shelby hadn’t even acknowledged it at the time. 

_‘It’s like Marty said, everything is so intense here.’_

It made more sense. Why Toni’s behaviour towards Shelby had changed so rapidly. It wasn’t just the flashback she’d had in the woods. Martha knew, and she’d said something to push her further away. Shelby quickly grasped that there was no use in blaming Martha. Toni would have only needed a nudge. 

Shelby knelt down next to Toni and openly brushed her cheek with the back of her hand.

‘Sleepwalking… She doesn’t do that usually, does she?’ Shelby asked, continuing to caress Toni’s face as she slept peacefully. She prayed her dreams were safe. 

Martha shook her head, ‘Never.’ 

‘I need to know how I can help, Marty… If I can.’ She felt a tear roll down her face as she moved her hands to brush Toni’s fingers. 

‘We’ll talk in the morning,’ Martha said softly.


End file.
